Please note that in this article I will be discussing healthy relationships. Abusive, unhealthy, and/or toxic relationships tend to have clear red flags and signs, even in the beginning. While they may seem to take a similar course, the nature of the relationship differs from one where both partners are mutually respectful and non-abusive individuals. If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, please go here.
First Stage: The “Honeymoon” Stage
This is also known as the “limerence” stage or the “romance” stage. This stage usually occurs at the beginning of relationships when everything is new and exciting. It can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years.
During this stage, positive sentiments are strong. Your partner’s shortcomings and differences are minimized, while their similarities and strengths are maximized.
This stage is incredibly important for bonding. During this phase, the chemicals coming into the foreground are dopamine and oxytocin to help solidify strong bonds and attachment between you two. In fact, the chemical release in the brain has frequently been compared to drug addicts when given their drug of choice.
The Upside to This Stage:
- Strong bonding and attachment during this time.
- Everything is new and exciting.
- A strong positive sentiment is created and nurtured.
- Good and fond memories are formed.
- A feeling of connection and love of life.
The Downside to This Stage:
- Dismissive of personality traits that may be pain points later.
- Prone to ignore relationship red flags.
- Creating weak boundaries or lacking boundaries.
- A tendency to isolate self and “lose” oneself to relationship.
What This Stage Looks Like in Real Life:
- Finding things that would usually repel you cute or endearing.
- A desire to constantly be around your partner.
- Dreaming of and talking about the future, such as marriage, kids, homes, etc.
- Conversations with others may be centered around new relationship and significant other.
- A tendency to “go all out”. For example, wearing makeup, dressing nicer, keeping your home clean during visits, showcasing your best personality traits.
- A belief that this person is “the one”.
Why Couples Break Up After This Stage:
- They become disillusioned and become aware of partner’s shortcomings and differences.
- One, or both, partners decide shortcomings and differences are dealbreakers.
- One, or both, partners become aware of red flags.
Why Couples Survive This Stage:
- Both partners continue to perceive each other positively, despite disillusionment.
- Both partners decide other’s shortcomings and differences are not dealbreakers.
Second Stage: The Power Struggle Stage
This stage is where couples become disillusioned from each other and start to notice each other’s flaws, shortcomings, and differences. During this stage, negative sentiments can occur and at a higher frequency than normal.
There are 3 main different power struggle dynamics that couples can experience at this stage.
Power Struggle #1: Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic
This dynamic is straight forward and is exactly what it sounds like. One partner typically pursues and the other partner responds with distancing during times of relationship distress.
In both cases, each partner believes they are doing what’s best to “save” the relationship from any potential damage.
Signs You’re The Pursuer
- You seek closeness during times of relationship stress.
- You may often feel that your partner responds with coldness.
- You may feel like your partner is emotionally unavailable.
- You may believe that your partner doesn’t care about you or the relationship.
- You feel like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship and that it’s up to you to save the relationship.
Signs You’re The Distancer
- You become distant or withdrawn when approached with hard topics.
- You experience anxiety when you feel forced to be vulnerable or emotional.
- When your partner approaches you about a problem, you feel overwhelmed and flooded like you need to escape.
- You feel like you’re being suffocated by your partner’s needs and don’t know how to keep up with demands.
How to Solve This Power Struggle
- Both: Learn how to manage emotional triggers for anxiety and distress so it doesn’t overtake either one of you during times of relationship stress.
- For The Distancer: Focus on turning toward your partner when they’re in distress. Work on discovering ways to respond with love and express an authentic desire to be close.
- For The Pursuer: Create a safe space for your partner by backing away when they start to retreat. Offer to return to the conversation in 20 minutes/an hour/tomorrow so they have time to calm their anxieties.
What Happens If the Power Struggle Isn’t Solved
- Couple may break up.
- A pattern of stonewalling and criticism will create building resentment.
- An overload of anxiety during relationship distress for both partners.
Power Struggle #2: Demand/Withdraw Dynamic
While this dynamic is closer in nature to the Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic, its differences lie in how it’s toxic for the relationship.
In this dynamic, both partners feel as though the other is the issue or the other partner needs to be “fixed”. This type of power struggle usually comes around when there’s a breakdown or lack of trust in the relationship.
It’s typically fueled by aggression and resentment, opposed to anxiety and insecurities. In these cases, one or both partners are looking to protect themselves and punish or “teach a lesson” to the other partner.
Signs You’re The Demander:
- You feel like your partner doesn’t listen to you and your suggestions or needs.
- You feel like you have to parent your partner.
- You believe you need to “train” your partner or change your partner in some way so they can fit your needs.
- You feel like your partner doesn’t care or love you.
Signs You’re The Withdrawer:
- You feel like your partner is unreasonable and inconsiderate with their asks and demands.
- You feel shamed when talking with your partner about relationship stressors.
- You prefer to let your partner do the talking in difficult conversations, typically because you feel like your opinions and feelings are invalid.
- You tend to drop hints about your needs and preferences instead of being direct.
- When you’re upset with your partner, you wait for them to come to you. Until then, you remain relatively silent.
How to Solve This Power Struggle
- Explore the history of your relationship, who’s held the most influence in the relationship, and your communication styles in a safe environment, such as with a couple’s counselor.
- Focus on rebuilding and creating a strong friendship with your partner.
- Repair past hurts and damages in a gentle manner.
- Learn new ways to communicate with the guidance of a couple’s counselor.
What Happens If the Power Struggle Isn’t Solved
- Couple may break up.
- Lack of respect and mutual influence will lead to a further breakdown of trust, which may lead to more betrayal.
- Abuse from one or both partners can more easily come into play.
Power Struggle #3: Fear/Shame Dynamic
In this dynamic, one person usually struggles with fears and anxieties that can cause the other partner to feel shame and inadequacy. The partner who feels the fear will project these onto the other partner to solve and/or to seek reassurance.
This dynamic can turn abusive when the person who typically withdraws in response to feeling shame or inadequate instead turns to anger and hostility.
Signs You’re The Fear-Based Partner:
- You want to solve problems as they arise. Otherwise, you feel overwhelmed and anxious.
- You seek validation and reassurance from your partner.
- You may keep emotions, feelings, and thoughts to yourself at times out of fear of your partner’s response.
- You feel like you can’t talk to your partner without them immediately shutting down, dismissing you, or avoiding you.
Signs You’re The Shame-Based Partner:
- You feel like your emotions, feelings, and thoughts don’t matter in the relationship.
- You sense that your partner thinks there’s something wrong with you, or you may start to feel like there’s something wrong with you.
- When your partner begins talking about difficult conversations and relationship stressors, you feel overwhelmed and want to run away, whether literally or metaphorically.
- You feel like your partner consistently communicates to you that you are not “good enough” or that you’re inadequate in some way.
- You feel like you have no voice or standing in the relationship.
How to Solve This Power Struggle
- Learn to identify heavy emotions as they arise by reflecting on what you don’t share with your partner, either due to fear, shame or both.
- During times of relationship distress, focus on having compassion and empathy for your partner.
- Ask your partner questions out of curiosity and compassion during disagreements. Make the goal to learn about your partner instead of being heard by your partner.
What Happens If the Power Struggle Isn’t Solved
- Couple may break up.
- A strong basis of fear and shame can lead to aggressive abuse.
- Continued feelings of resentment and contempt will continue to build. This may lead to depression in one or both partners.
- Lack of trust and boundaries will create emotional upheaval within the relationship and individual lives of each partner.
Frequently Asked Questions of The Power Struggle Stage
Can you experience all of these?
Absolutely. Most relationships can and will experience all of these on one level or another at some point. In addition, it’s a common phenomenon for relationships to fluctuate between the Power Struggle Stage and the Stability Stage over time.
Couples who are masters at their relationship stay in the Power Struggle Stage for shorter periods of time, especially during longer relationships, because their focus is moving forward as a team.
Can you only be one partner or the other in each struggle? What if you feel like both?
It’s normal for one person to be in both roles at one point or another. When one or both partners are not responsive to the other’s communication style and repair attempts, the partners can end up switching roles. This can happen over time or it can happen on micro-levels depending on the situation the couple is struggling with.
We’ve been in this power struggle for most of our relationship. Can we really come out of it?
Yes. Every couple can make repairs and create the relationship they dream of. What makes or breaks the cycle is both partners working on the relationship as a team and working towards the same goals and dreams. This is best accomplished with the guidance of a couple’s counselor who can act as an outside resource for both partners.
My partner isn’t being responsive to my attempts to move out of the power struggle. Now what?
There’s a couple things you can try:
- Have they read this article? Sit down and read this article together. Discuss in a calm and compassionate way where you feel like you struggle. Ask your partner to do the same.
- Have an open discussion of what you want your relationship to look like. Keep the focus on what you’re changing about your part opposed to resorting to shaming and blaming your partner.
- If you feel resentful by a past hurt, ask your partner when it would be a good time to discuss it. Aim to tackle the hurt as a team by inviting your partner to be part of the solution, not the problem.
- Discuss the possibility of couple’s counseling. Explain to your partner how you believe you would benefit if you both went together.
If you’ve tried these things and your partner still isn’t responsive, or responding poorly (with anger, stonewalling, or withdrawing), then seek individual counseling. You may want to take this time to assess if this is a relationship you want to be in.
Remember: You have the time and space you need to make the best decision for you. Whatever that timeline looks like, be sure to prioritize self-care.
Third Stage: The Stability Stage
This is the stage that comes next for happy and healthy relationships. It’s the mature, “grown up” version of the first stage. A couple is able to transition to this stage from the Power Struggle Stage for several reasons:
- They tackle their problems as a team solving an issue, opposed to one trying to fix the other.
- There’s an acceptance of each other’s differences and flaws. There is no desire to change the other partner.
- They mutually respect each other.
- They accept and welcome the other to influence them and vice versa.
- They learn to come to a consensus over a compromise.
The Upside to This Stage:
- Both partners experience relative peace and calm in the relationship.
- Boundaries exist in a healthy dynamic that nurtures closeness and connection between the couple.
- There is mutual acceptance and contentment between the partners.
- Due to strong communication, partners “pick their battles”, so to speak, and do so in a safe, gentle, and non-threatening way.
- Both partners experience a strong and deep sense of love and connection with the other.
- Return of relationship love sparks.
The Downside to This Stage:
- It will feel boring to one or both partners at some point.
- It can trigger thrill-seeking feelings, which can lead to affairs, risky behaviors, and/or other aspects that can potentially damage the relationship.
- For partners who struggle with past trauma and/or have attachment issues, this stage may feel uncomfortable, which may lead to a desire to break up.
For many people in this stage, it’s about learning to allow themselves to accept the safety, security, and love that is present.
If you’re struggling with a “What else is out there?” feeling or feelings of relationship doubt, take time to explore the feeling. Here are some things you can do:
- Read this article on normal vs. serious relationship doubt.
- Ask yourself if there’s any unhealed wounds from the Power Struggle Stage.
- Question whether or not you’re missing the butterflies and excitement from the Honeymoon Stage or if there’s something else missing in your relationship to lead you to want something more/different.
- Reflect on unhealed trauma. Do you have trauma for your past that’s preventing you from feeling safe and healthily attached?
BONUS: What Happens Next?
After a couple enters the Stability Stage, they will usually cycle through a couple different stages.
The first scenario is that they cycle between the Power Struggle Stage and Stability Stage until all the wounds from the Power Struggle Stage are healed. In some cases, the cycle will repeat itself because there are unsolved communication dynamics between the couple.
Another stage that may come up for couples during the Stability Stage is the Commitment Stage. During this stage, the couple learns how to tackle disagreements and conflicts as a team. This often looks to coming to a consensus (a win-win situation) over a compromise (a lose-lose situation).
The Making Meaning Stage is another stage that can come from the Stability Stage and/or the Commitment Stage. In this stage, couples experience actualization in their relationship. This is a fun and blissful stage where a couple will make concrete plans to make their dreams come true. During this stage, a couple will want to define themselves to the outside world. This may come in the form of creating a family, buying a home, getting pets, etc.
Final Note:
Remember: It’s part of a normal relationship to cycle through multiple stages. Sometimes, it will be through the 3 main stages. Sometimes, it will be through various aspects of one stage.
If you or your partner are struggling to connect and communicate at any point, there is no shame in seeking a couple’s counselor. It’s a healthy way to have a professional guide you and your partner through conflicts and each other’s needs in a safe, loving, and reliable way.
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