Everyone wants to know the secret. Everyone wants to know the secret code to finding their perfect match, their soulmate, their person. “The One”.
And, let me tell you, there is a secret to it.
I met my husband, Josh, when I was a freshman in college. I was barely 19 years old and he was 18 years old. We are one of the lucky ones that found each other early.
We got married when we were 23 and started our family at 24.
But, when we met each other, we weren’t looking for each other. We were both fine being single. I felt confident in myself and he wasn’t feeling like he needed a relationship to fulfill his life.
So, is there a secret to finding “The One”? Yes.
And, I’ve already told it to you. But, let me elaborate in more detail.
This is the real secret…
You need to be “the one”. I don’t mean that you need to be “the one” for someone else. I’m sure you are.
I mean you need to be “the one” for you.
This time of limbo where you being single is a blessing. This time is a gift. This is the time you need to discover exactly who you are and what type of person you want in your life.
Being “the one” for yourself means choosing yourself. It means actually getting to know your likes and dislikes without having to worry if they fit with someone else’s. It means chasing after the things you want with no reserves because the only thing you have to factor in is you and your happiness.
You need this time to choose yourself first and be “the one” for you. Otherwise, how will you know what you truly want in a relationship?
You need this time to center on self-love and creating the love you want from someone else for yourself.
When you do this, you won’t accept partners into your life that give less. You won’t have space for people who don’t fit the bill because you’re already confident with yourself. You already love yourself. You’re already secure.
Without needing those things from someone else, you can focus on what you really want out of a partner instead.
That’s how you find your perfect match. That’s how you find “the one”.
Everyone wants to know the secret. Everyone wants to know the secret code to finding their perfect match, their soulmate, their person. "The One". And, let me tell you, there is a secret to it. Click To TweetSo, how do you even do that?
How do you get to a place where you are so content with being single that the perfect relationship falls into your lap? It may feel like magic, but it’s not.
It’s important to take the time you have and focus it on your needs, instead of finding someone to fulfill those needs.
Get to know yourself. Get to the point where you love yourself in an authentic, wholesome way. We accept the love we think we deserve and it starts internally.
Here are some great starter questions to kick you off:
- What do you want? What do you need? Everyone has wants and needs. Make a list. Write out what your ideal day looks like. Start saying “no” to everything, including people, that don’t fit.
- What are your goals? You have the time and space to go after your dreams with no reserves. Aim for the big, scary ones and give yourself a chance to find out what happens when you just go for it.
- What do your self-care rituals look like? You need self-care rituals. This can be something deep like meditating and keeping your weekly therapy appointment. It can also be something simple like brushing your teeth daily or keeping a regular skincare routine.
- What would you like to heal? This is the most important question here. When we go into relationships still needing to do healing work, we can end up creating trauma bonds with our partners instead of deep, meaningful relationships. Work on discovering if you still have pieces of your past that cause you pain and work towards healing those parts.
What if it doesn’t work?
Look: It’s a normal and natural reaction to want answers now. Like right now. Especially if you feel like you’ve been dating around forever.
I wish I could give you those answers and be precise. But, the truth is that so much of this is releasing the desire to have all the answers and to trust that good things are coming for you.
Maybe good things haven’t come for you in the past. Or maybe they looked like they were heading your direction and then U-turned at the last minute.
I know it’s hard to have faith in something you haven’t experienced yet. But, we can’t put a clock on this. It wouldn’t be fair or kind to yourself to set a timer to your life.
Being alone isn’t a failure. It doesn’t mean you suck as a human and here you are, still single. It means that you have the space to do you, to take care of yourself, to be a little “selfish”.
Being single right now means that you get to go treat yourself to the luxury chocolates because you know what a damn good job you did on that work project. It means that you can go pick out the best flowers at the market to brighten up your living room and know you’re going to love them.
This is your moment to choose you before entering a space where you’re choosing another.
You have so many options. Your life is filled with an abundance of choices when it comes to life partners. The question on the table isn’t “Are you good enough?” It’s “Are they who you want in your life forever?” The ball is always in your court whenever you want it to be.
But, for now, please know that the choice to choose yourself, love yourself, and be “the one” you need in your own life is an amazing choice.
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