As every single relationship book will tell you, communication is key. As humans, we seek community, likeness, and emotionally safe places. We have a deep desire to connect. That includes our romantic lives, too.
Communication is also one of the biggest pain points for the vast majority of couples. Feeling unheard, not cared about, or isolated are all part of the huge communication atmosphere. Being able to communicate with your significant other effectively is a major indicator of relationship survival.
I wish I could say communication is easy and natural. However, it’s not so easy when you’re trying to learn another person’s language. It takes time, diligence, and intentionality on both sides in order to reach that sweet communication spot where relationships truly thrive.
In this article, I want to walk you through 3 of the most common communication mistakes and tips and tricks you can try instead.
Mistake #1: Assuming you don’t need to talk about it.
I am guilty as charged with this mistake. It’s so easy to believe that since your partner knows you so well, they must also know your thoughts. Or, since you’ve made the same request 101 times, they must know it by heart.
However, this line of thinking couldn’t be more false. Mind reading is something we, as humans, are terrible at. While it might feel unnatural and demanding to layout your needs point-by-point, it’s exactly what your partner needs to understand who you are and how to help you feel safe, loved, and happy.
Try this: Instead of waiting for your partner to “pick up” on what you’re trying to say by dropping hints and/or being vague, try asking a direct question. For example, instead of saying, “There’s so many dishes in the sink and we haven’t done them all day”, try saying, “Would you be willing to help wash the dishes?”
Over time, your partner will most likely pick up on that need automatically, particularly if it becomes habitual. But, in the beginning of communicating a new (or newer) idea, your partner needs more help than just hints.
Being able to communicate with your significant other effectively is a major indicator of relationship survival. Click To TweetMistake #2: Your tone of voice.
We are incredibly sensitive to voice tone. To prove this point, think about the statement “nice dress”. Said in a peppy, light-hearted tone, this statement is a heartwarming compliment. Said in a down-cast, harsh tone, this statement is one of mockery. Tone is everything.
Yes, it absolutely is hard to control your tone during difficult conversations when emotions are running high. Throw in defensiveness and any sort of blaming, you can just nearly throw tone control out the window. However, if you want to be heard, it’s vital to a conversation.
Try this: The next time you feel like yelling, blaming, or getting defensive in a conversation, ask you partner if you can pause the conversation for 5 minutes to recollect and regroup. Make a promise to each other to restart the conversation in 5 minutes, but take that time to walk away. Go to a different room or go on walk. Do something to discharge the negative emotions.
After, controlling your tone of voice will come easier as you’ll be in a better mental space to be more compassionate and open-minded than you were in the heat of the moment.
Mistake #3: Not following the “2 Week Rule”.
The 2 Week Rule is something my husband and I established while we were still dating. Essentially, the 2 Week Rule means you cannot bring up grievances that are more than 2 weeks old.
That means no bringing up a wrong your significant other committed if it happened more than 14 days ago. The idea behind this is that it should’ve been addressed sooner than 2 weeks if it was important enough to be addressed. In addition, holding past grievances over each other does not help either one of you be able to move forward and tackle present day as a team. Grudges have no place in a happy relationship
Try this: Establish the 2 Week Rule between you and your partner. Allow an opportunity to discuss grievances older than 2 weeks in that moment so no one feels backed into a corner or unheard.
If after establishing the rule, you want to talk about a grievance older than 2 weeks, ask yourself why. If it’s to make your point during a conversation, ask yourself if there’s another way to phrase what you’re feeling without attacking the other person. If it’s because you realize that it’s a key piece to a relationship puzzle, ask your partner if you two could take a moment to discuss what happened, why it was bothersome, and how to move forward together in a healthier way.
If you got value out of this article, remember to share it with someone you think could use it, too!
