Josh and I have been married for almost 2.5 years and in a relationship for over 7 years. It’s so wild to think how much time has passed!
So many of us want exciting. We want drama. Except when you don’t. A marriage full of drama is rarely ever enjoyable. While “content” doesn’t scream “exciting”, it does point to stable, sturdy, and comfort in the purest sense. Being content with life and with love is something magical.
While not every moment of every day is pure magic, overall, we’re happy. We’re content. We feel like we can lean on each other without sucking the life out of the other one. We’re able to go at goals as a team and constantly talk about our next steps through life.
This dynamic is not something that pops up over night. We have to work to keep our relationship good. I think we all like to think that great relationships come naturally, which is true. However, natural compatibility doesn’t mean you can sit back, kick your feet up, and cross your fingers that things will work out. Things work when you work.
Yet, I don’t think of our relationship as “work”. The “work” we put into it is how we love each other. It’s one of the best parts of our marriage: getting to give back to the other person and show them how much we love them, how much we want to prosper with them.
These are a couple of the ways that we make our marriage work. I’ve listed out in detail a few ways that we grow in our marriage every day and ways we strive to love each other fully.
Always be polite.
When we were engaged, we got a lot of (unsolicited) marriage advice. Most of it was covered with gloom and doom warnings, typically from cynics in crap marriages or divorcees. While most of it was discouraging or downright strange, there was one piece that has stuck with us over the years.
An elderly couple told us to always be polite to each other, even when we’re mad with each other. We had never heard this piece of advice before, but damn, it made so much sense.
It’s so easy to snipe at each other when emotions are running high. However, our sense of entitlement to be right in that moment can sometimes eclipse an obvious truth: we’re both human. We make mistakes. We have different viewpoints. And, we both feel deeply.
Josh and I are sensitive people by nature. We’re both empaths, which means we feel everything deeply. It can be a beautiful thing, but also a heartbreaking one.
I don’t pander to the idea that we can control other people’s emotions. People feel what they feel. The freedom to acknowledge that and release control makes it easier for me to rein in my own emotions and remember that I’m talking to another person.
Too often, we forget the humanity of our loved ones. We take their presence for granted. And, sometimes, that means that we can also forget that the words we speak hold weight. The words you say today have the power to lift someone up or scar them for life. It’s important to treat your spouse with the utmost dignity and respect at all times.
We're happy. We're content. We feel like we can lean on each other without sucking the life out of the other one. We're able to go at goals as a team and constantly talk about our next steps through life. Click To TweetNever lose your sense of humor, especially during hard times.
Josh and I have seen our fair share of hard times. Some day, we’ll get into details, but for now, we’ll leave it there.
No matter what the difficult situation is, it can put a strain on your relationship. Stress is no friend of anyones. It can turn us into high-strung balls of pent up energy due to be released like a bomb at any moment.
One thing we’ve both relied on, and still do, is our sense of humor. When we start to get snippy with each other (typically over stupid things anyway), before the ball starts rolling too far down the road, one of us turns the whole situation into a joke by poking fun at the humorous aspects.
By keeping our humor at the forefront, it allows us to take a deep breath and step back from the situation. It makes space for big emotions to calm down and gives us time to re-center.
Keep doing little things for each other.
Remember all those cute things you used to do for each other in those first few months of dating? That’s when you guys had your game faces on. You were in it to impress.
When we start to get comfortable, we start to forget about those little things. Romance doesn’t fly out the window in an instant. It starts to disappear slowly over time.
You’d be amazed at what a difference in day-to-day life doing those little things can do for your relationship. Bringing home flowers. Picking up coffee from their favorite shop. Cooking their favorite meal. Pulling up their favorite movie or show on Netflix.
It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture for it to have great (and wonderful) impact. Aim to do little things for your spouse once a week. Even writing a note saying “thinking of you” is a fantastic way to share the love.
Make arguments productive.
Yup, we argue. I’m not sure where the idea that “perfect couples don’t argue” came from, but man, is it false advertising. It could have to do with us not liking pain. It could have to do with the belief that good things only have good things going on. Either way, every couple argues.
In fact, not arguing is a huge red flag and sign that things are not going well at all. When you argue with each other, you are saying that you still care. However, that isn’t a write to get mean with each other.
How do you make arguments “productive”? By being calm, compassionate, and curious. Easier said than done, but with intentional practice over time, it’ll come more naturally.
Ask more questions than answering. I don’t mean passive aggressive questions. Ask questions where you want to know the answer. Ask about their thought process. Ask about their perspective. Ask about their fears. Ask until you can repeat back to them their viewpoint and understand it.
After you can do that, vocalize your side of the equation: your thought process, your perspective, your fears. If neither of you can agree on the main situation, table it for later. Get some space. Even an hour is better than none.
Aim for consensus, not compromise. Compromise is a lose-lose situation. Consensus is a team effort where everyone wins. Keep cycling through solutions until you both find one that you feel you can tackle together and feel confident about it.
That’s how you grow as a couple.
Step into the future together.
One of the biggest mistakes I see couples make is assuming that they have to have the same dream. That they have to both be working towards the same goal in order to be a functional team. While that’s a nice thought, losing sight of yourself as an individual is one of the fastest roads to misery.
Being confident in yourself as an individual is crucial for this step. By remaining confident in your individuality, you have the space to support your spouse and their successes without feeling intimidated or less than.
You don’t need your individual goals to line up, per se. You just need to feel like you can go at them with everything you got while receiving full support from your partner and vice versa.
While different goals for different people is all fine and well, a goal that you two should have together is to constantly support each other towards those goals. That means your goals shouldn’t make it impossible for your spouse to try to obtain their own goals. It means that your spouse’s goals should be something brings about good for both of you, not good for one, but hardship for the other.
By supporting each other, you both become a team, working towards brighter futures and lifting each other up in the process.
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