It’s hard to recognize abuse when you’re in it. A big part of abuse is a sense of denial from both partners.
The abuser will deny they’re abusive. The victim’s survival depends on denying the gravity of their reality.
The cycle of abuse is particularly vicious for those who are familiar with it because they grew up in a chaotic home and/or with abusive caregivers. These abuse survivors tend to naturally gravitate towards abusive partners because it’s what’s familiar, even if it’s emotionally turbulent, stressful, and painful.
Anyone can be in an abusive relationship. There are no exemptions when it comes to age, race, religion, education level, etc.
If you’re reading this article, you’re probably wondering if your relationship is abusive. It’s okay. There’s no shame in this.
Even if you walk away from this article and conclude your relationship isn’t abusive, listen to your intuition and your gut. You’re here because, minimally, there are concerning red flags. Those red flags are there to help you make the best choice for you, your peace, and your needs. Listen to them.
Here are some ways you can tell if you’re in an abusive relationship:
They enact the silent treatment regularly.
The silent treatment is a special form of torment. The refusal to connect and communicate is commonly used as a manipulation tactic.
As the receiver of the treatment continually makes bids towards connection, they continue to be rejected. These original bids for connection don’t have to be positive. They can be from anger, sadness, resentment. However, the end result is the same: the person receiving the silent treatment is attempting to receive some sort of response.
Eventually, the energy it takes to keep this up runs out. The person becomes more desperate for connection. They either cave to the partner’s wishes or turn so far inward that they are numb to their own needs.
That is what makes the silent treatment one of the most powerful tools in manipulation.
They share your personal secrets and regularly cross boundaries.
When somebody doesn’t respect your boundaries and your dignity, they don’t respect you. Healthy relationships are built off of mutual respect towards each other.
Emotional blackmail is common in relationships that have abuse. Emotional blackmail is used to keep you in a state of fear.
It sends the message of “If you don’t do what I want, then I’ll reveal x about you”. In some cases, “x” is a blatant lie and tale spun to demonize you.
Another common tactic of the abuser is to bomb drop your secrets and personal information in front of your close loved ones. This is often done in hopes to “catch you out”, as revenge for a previous argument, and/or to remind you who’s “really” in power in the relationship.
Gaslighting is frequently used.
Gaslighting can be a confusing subject if you are constantly being gaslit.
You can usually tell you’re being gaslit when you’re made to question your reality and experience. You’ll end up apologizing for causing your partner to behave in a way to cause you pain. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells and altering your life around what will keep your partner’s temper in check.
Gaslighting usually makes an appearance when you express any form of discomfort, disappointment, or hurt caused by your partner.
Instead of them taking accountability for their actions and words, they focus their response on how they feel attacked by such accusations. They may fall into tone policing, blaming you for their behaviors, or outright denying what you’re experiencing by claiming you didn’t remember it correctly or that you misinterpreted their hurtful behavior.
It’s hard to recognize abuse when you’re in it. I break down what signs to look for in this article. Share on XYou’re often blamed and overly criticized.
You often feel like you can’t do anything right. In the off chance you do receive appreciation, it’s usually immediately followed up with criticism.
Belittling and mocking is a common occurrence. If someone offers you a compliment, they’re quick to point out the flaws.
As mentioned above, when it comes to arguments and disagreements, you are quickly blamed. Rather than focusing on the problem at hand, your partner focuses on you being the problem and rests the total responsibility on your shoulders.
You tend to behave differently around your partner.
Usually, this looks a lot like acting quieter, more reserved, and/or agreeable. When it comes to being around your partner, your main priority is keeping the peace and not rocking the boat.
You may find yourself immersed in what your partner is thinking or feeling at the moment in hopes of sidestepping any potential problems.
When it comes to being in public, you may find yourself being overly engaged and exuberant with your partner. This may be two-fold: to throw others off the idea that any malice is happening behind-the-scenes and, more likely, to keep your partner in a good mood once you both are in private again.
High emotions are highly involved and unpredictable.
Abuse tends to create a very black-and-white reality: either it’s all incredibly good or it’s all horrible with little in-between.
What makes the abuse cycle so gripping on victims is that abuse is rarely like how they sensationalize it in movies and shows. It’s not always so obvious that you can no longer deny its presence.
Rather abuse tends to be sprinkled with high-highs. When the good times are good, they’re really good. This is intentional so the victim questions the bad times and is more likely to wait it out for more good times.
Abusive relationships tend to be much more emotionally unstable, meaning that the abusive partner tends to be able to “flip like a switch”. One moment sweet, the next a nightmare.
This rapid switching keeps the victim in an emotionally unstable place themselves, which makes them easier to manipulate and control.
You have received multiple ultimatums.
Ultimatums and boundaries are not the same thing.
To put it simply: Boundaries are telling other hows you’re going to show up differently. Ultimatums are threatening others into showing up differently.
If a “boundary” involves a hard-line consequence, such as leaving, cheating, self-harm, injury to you, etc., then it’s not a boundary at all. Rather, it’s an ultimatum meant to instill a sense of fear for your partner to use to control and manipulate.
This is especially true if your partner is frequently making ultimatums, regardless as to whether or not they’re following through on them.
Anyone can be an abusive relationship. There are no exemptions when it comes to age, race, religion, education level, etc. Share on XYour partner makes it difficult for you to have relationships outside of your romantic one.
Isolation is a classic manipulation tactic. However, it doesn’t always look like someone locking you away in a room.
Usually, it’s more subtle. Isolating you looks like:
- Making “unchangeable” plans over your plans
- Requesting you stay off or stop use of social media
- Frequently interrupting phone calls with “emergencies”
- Consistently inserting themselves in your private social interactions, such as phone calls, video chats, etc.
- Putting a time limit on how long you can talk on the phone or be out of the home
- Pressuring you to quit your job or work from home
- Demonizing your close loved ones to you frequently
- Threatening to leave if you maintain contact with a specific or set of loved ones
These are just a few examples of how isolation can subtly happen. It tends to be a slow process that the abusive partner chips away at over time.
They recognize that if they are the prominent person in your life, you are more likely to stay as you won’t have anyone else to turn to.
They dig through private documents, your desk, your phone, etc.
They may even refer to your sense of privacy as “keeping secrets”.
It’s common for the abusive partner to request complete transparency from you, yet, not return that transparency.
Your lack of privacy is meant to strip you of your sense of autonomy – or the idea that you are an individual with unique needs, thoughts, ideas, and opinions. It’s meant to transform you into an extension of the partner themselves.
This opens the door for deep levels of enmeshment to keep you in an emotional trap and create a consistent feeling of chaos in your life. By doing this, they can greater ensure that you rely on them as much as (or more than) they rely on you.
They have threatened self-harm or suicide if you leave or end the relationship.
Please note that anyone who threatens self-harm or suicide at the possibility of a break-up is someone that is blatantly manipulating you.
It’s important to get this person help while prioritizing your own safety. There are resources below.
Threatening physical violence to self or others is always cause for alarm. You may want to downplay it, which is understandable. Nobody wants to ever find themselves in such a grave and scary situation. However, it’s important to take the steps necessary to ensure your safety and the safety of others.
If any of these points resonated with you, please check out the resources below. Reach out to others and build a support network. Check in with your therapist or find a local therapist to work with.
RESOURCES
- Find a psychologist or therapist (US).
- US National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call 1−800−799−7233 or you can text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474
- What to do if someone is threatening suicide and/or self-harm
- How to find women’s centers
- What to do if you’re in an abusive marriage (esp. if you have children)
- What to do if you live with your abuser
