When people think about relationships, boundaries probably are not the first thing that come to mind. Or so you think. It is incredibly common to struggle with setting boundaries within our romantic lives. We believe that we should be an open book with our partner to encourage intimacy, yet, we have a desire to draw lines. It’s completely counterintuitive. However, if we want to have a truly phenomenal relationship, boundaries are essential to its core.

Pay attention to annoyances and arguments.

The best place to start is by taking note about common problems. Are the recurring arguments that keep cropping up? Are there certain habits that you would like your partner kick? Be realistic and rational. For example, if your loved one is into football season, don’t ask him to skip watching the game. However, asking if it’s possible to not host a Game Day Weekend every weekend at your place is completely within the line of reason.

Not sure where to start? Here are some questions to get the flow going:

• Does your partner get drunk? How often? Does it affect the relationship negatively? Is it affecting other, whether your’s or their’s, relationships negatively?
• Does your partner view porn? Are they attendees at single bars and strip clubs? Are there behaviors that minimally border on infidelity?
• Does your partner blame you for outcomes? Does your partner take responsibility for their emotions?
• Do you feel as though you give and give, but never get? Do you feel as though everything would fall apart if you aren’t on top of your game?

Set some courtesy habits.

One of the best ways to set boundaries in motion is to create habits around them. Long-term relationships tend to fall into patterns and routines. Therefore, by assisting a boundary by creating a habit around it, you’re essentially setting the relationship train on a specific sort of tracks.

For example, say you’re the financial saver and your partner is the financial spender. However, there have been multiple heated discussions about spending money and how it is spent. You feel as though your partner is spending recklessly and driving you both into a financial hole while your partner thinks your line of thinking is too frugal. You would like to set a boundary on your partner where all purchases must be okayed prior to buying. One way to set a courtesy habit to accomplish this is to make a rule where you text, call, and/or check-in before making any purchase. Set it stricter and loosen the reigns over time. For example, set the rule at every purchase (even mediocre ones that are $1). As you both get used to communicating first, you can eventually set a financial limit, such as $100, where communication is needed prior to the transaction. Remember, a boundary goes both ways. If they’re checking their purchase with you, you’re checking your purchase with them. If they’re communicating, you’re communicating.

Adjust and re-adjust.

A commonly frustrating aspect of boundaries are the feeling that they are not working. When a boundary is first set, there’s going to be an adjustment period. One of several things may happen during this time. First, the person who the boundary is being set upon is going to test the waters. They may go and perform the “forbidden” behavior to see just how serious you are. You may begin to change your mind about the boundary when the going gets tough. Your partner may act angry and carry resentment towards you and the boundary. These are all normal adjustments. Work together to tackle them as they come up. Remember, you’re on the same team.

One way to off-set the burden of adjusting is to offer options. Instead of setting a hard boundary where you take on a parent role, offer to have a meaningful discussion with your partner where you both play a major role. Offer a variety of options. Typically, I find 3 options are the best as it provides plenty of variety without being overwhelming. By going this route, the boundary is no longer the enemy, but a guideline that you both agree upon.

Hold firm.

After setting a boundary, it’s going to be extremely tempting to set it loose. It is essential not cave to this sensation. This feeling is temporary because boundaries are uncomfortable. They force all of us outside of our comfort zone. You will receive backlash. There may be arguing and bitter feelings. These negative emotions may make you want to run for the hills or say, “Forget it”, but these are designed to test you and how serious you are about this boundary. Do not let fear run the show. Remain firm and clear with your boundary. If your partner is struggling with it, offer to have an open conversation about the boundary. Focus on asking more questions than statements. The goal of the conversation would to help your partner understand the boundary, not allow them to bully you or manipulate you to remove it.

Try to come up with one key sentence relating to the boundary to help keep it on the straight and narrow. Usually, this should be what the boundary is. Using the example above, a good sentence would be, “Text, call, or talk to me in person before making a purchase” and using that sentence if your partner continues to try to argue it.