It’s the never-ending mystery. Setting boundaries is a bit like learning to dance. There’s a very fine line between graceful and a mangled mess. Though boundary setting can be painful, it’s not something to be scared of. While it may seem like you’re putting limitations on other people, you’re actually freeing yourself. Here is a basic step-by-step of how to set boundaries.

Detach from other’s emotions.

It’s easy to get sucked up in this game, and I’m sure you know it well, like we all do. The game is doing or not doing something based on how someone else will feel about it. Now, your compassionate side is honorable, however, it’s keeping you sucked into this warp of “what if”. Boundary setting needs to be about you and protecting your sanity. If you’re consistently a hot mess because you’re so invested in everyone’s emotions, you’re not helping anybody. These boundaries are as much for you as they are for them.

Let people feel their emotions. You can’t deal with someone else’s emotions; only they can. How people react is not your problem; it’s their’s. Once you free up that mental space, you’ll be able to focus on your emotions.

Acknowledge your fear spots.

There’s a reason you’re struggling with boundaries. Usually it’s because of anger, fear, or sadness. However, fear seems to be the reigning king in all this. What are you afraid will happen once this boundary is set? Are you afraid of abandonment? Are you afraid of not being strong enough to keep up your end of the bargain? Are you afraid of rejection?

Get specific. Don’t just say, “I’m afraid of abandonment”. Get to the place of “I’m afraid that if I set this boundary, the said person will never hang out with me again and spread lies to my friends”. There’s going to be pain points, but those are the spots you want to pay attention to.

Create an acceptable behavior list.

I like to think of behaviors as “green light”, “yellow light”, and “red light”. The method may be a bit juvenile, but it’s incredibly effective.

“Green light” behaviors are things that you are A-okay with. They make you feel good. They create positive energy. They foster love, trust, and empathy.

“Yellow light” behaviors are things that may rub you the wrong way. This behavior doesn’t feel right, but you can’t put your finger on it. It leaves you with a questioning feeling.

A “red light” behavior is a behavior that makes your brain put its breaks on. These behaviors are ones that breed negativity. These behaviors usually give you a strong sensation to cry, run away, or hide. They may get you overly upset, angry, scared, or sad.

These are some examples of mine:

• Green light: genuine compliments, listening to me, empathy, inside jokes, etc.
• Yellow light: blaming others, white lies, getting an “attitude”, hyper-judgmental opinions, etc.
• Red light: yelling, throwing things, hurting animals, hurting me, saying hateful words, etc.

That’s just a snippet. It may feel tedious to write all these down, but it’s essential. The “red light” and “yellow light” behaviors are the ones you need to focus on when setting your boundaries.

Stay strong and remain consistent.

Fact: When you set a boundary, you will face backlash. Nobody likes having a “limit” put on them. Nobody says, “Hey, I have to change my behavior? Awesome!” Catch my drift?

It’s going to be on you to stay consistent, especially because, more likely than not, the other person will be pushing to see how far they can go. They want to know where the boundary is really set. The worse thing you can do for this situation is change the rules left and right. Don’t make exceptions for your boundaries (within reason). It’s confusing and frustrating for the people involved to have the rules change and it sets you up to be the “bad guy” by making you an unreliable source. Be steady. Be firm with what you want. If you don’t know what you want, then be honest about that. But don’t send people through loops in the meantime.

Find someone to hold you accountable.

This can be a trusted friend or family member, who is not involved in the situation. This can also be a therapist or counsellor. Whoever you choose to hold you accountable, be sure that they are detached from the situation completely. For example, if you’re working on setting a boundary with your parents, your accountability partner should not be your brother. If you’re working on setting a boundary with a friend, your accountability partner should not be another friend within that friend group.

It’s essential to find someone to help with accountability because the temptation to slip into old habits is unparalleled. As much as we think we adapt well to change, we don’t. We want that comfort zone. We know, in these situations, that the comfort zone is right within reach. You need someone around to keep you honest until that boundary is your comfort zone. It’s how you’ll grow.