As social media and texting has taken our generation by storm, the term “ghosting” has been popping up more and more frequently.
When someone “ghosts” you, they fall off the face of the earth. Or so it seems. Suddenly, they don’t respond to texts. You two are no longer Facebook friends. If you saw them in person, they’d probably ignore you. Most of the time, when you’re ghosted, it feels completely unprompted and out of the blue.
And, most of the time, it feels terrible. It can lead to self-doubt and wondering what you did to deserve such a fate.
And, most of the time, the answer to that is nothing. That’s what can feel so puzzling about being ghosted, especially from a person you considered a good friend.
If you’ve been ghosted recently, I’m walking you through what to do next, how to respond, and what happens in the after.
Don’t take it personally.
People ghost others because of their own shit. I know it may not feel that way. It may feel like you’re the shit. Like you’re so annoying or messed up or unworthy.
But, it’s not true.
When someone ghosts another you, it should signal to you that that person struggles big time with communication. That person most likely operates out of their own fear centers when it comes to confrontation.
And, none of that is your’s to fix or deal with. Let people have their shit and thank them for not dragging you through it.
On an even more real note: True friends would not avoid confrontation with you. They wouldn’t avoid conversations with you. They would be open to approaching things lovingly and compassionately. Anyone who ghosts you is not a true friend.
That can be so hard to hear, especially if you feel like you clicked with this person. But I want you to know that you are worth getting to know. You are worth having true, deep friendship. You are worth sticking around for.
This person? Not it.
Let them go.
Trying to be in the business of resurrecting the dead is a miserable job. Others hardly do what we want them to do when we want them to do it. In other words: Our expectations of others are a huge source of disappointment.
The people who are meant to be in our lives will always find a way. True friends will make you feel seen, heard, and love. There will be no mistaking it.
At this point in the game, your work is internal. It looks like acknowledging your emotions, giving yourself space to feel this experience, allowing yourself grace to let go so you can move forward to better things and relationships.
If you want to have a “final” word or last text message, then that’s your call. However, I want you to answer one question before you do that:
What’s the point?
Usually, that drive to say our last piece comes from a desire for a response or to be understood or both. Why do you want this person to respond to you? Why do you need them to understand you? Do you really need either for closure?
Closure is an inside job. There is nothing this person can say or do at this point that will give you what you’re seeking: validation, acceptance, love. If you want this from others, you first need to feel it from yourself.
If you've been ghosted recently, I'm walking you through what to do next, how to respond, and what happens in the after. Click To TweetEvaluate the type of friendships you want.
This is the perfect time to reassess because what you don’t want in a friendship is front and center.
Sometimes, it’s easier to start with the things you don’t want in your life to lead you toward the path of things you do want.
It’s important to keep people who want to also keep you in their lives. I know that can seem so cut-throat. But, do you really want to invest all your energy into convincing someone you’re worth getting know or would you rather spend that energy with people who never have to be told?
On the flip side, it’s equally important to step back and examine your role. Most of the time, ghosting really is the other person not handling their own shit. However, from time to time, there may be another side to the story.
Do you find yourself being ghosted frequently? Do you find it hard to understand other people’s boundaries? When a line set, do you see it as a hard-set line or a suggestion?
It can be so hard to answer those questions honestly. Yet, if you want different friendships in the future, you need to make different choices. Maybe those choices come down to being more selective as to who gets a front row seat to your life. Maybe those choices also involve evaluating your own behavior and reactions towards others.
There’s no blame or shame here. We’re all human in the end. This reevaluation is an opportunity to go for something better – with yourself and others.
Set boundaries if they try to reconnect.
Your friend may try to reconnect again. It’s been known to happen, but don’t necessarily count on it.
However, if this person does try to reconnect, it’s important to lay out some ground rules now, before they ever reach out.
Boundaries are vital in any relationship you have. They’re especially relevant in relationships where boundaries haven’t been acknowledged and lines have been crossed. If you’ve been ghosted, then you’re officially in that territory.
To determine what type of boundaries you’d like to set, try journaling the answers to these questions:
- Do you want to let this person back in if they attempt to reconnect? If not, how will you state your new boundary?
- If you do want to reconnect, what are your communication preferences going forward?
- What is your plan if they ghost you again after reconnecting?
- How do you imagine your friendship to be going forward? What is needed to rebuild trust?
I have to admit, I am the absolute worst person I know for ghosting others, but it’s honestly not for nasty reasons! (Ok, there was one person I blocked, but they were just way too intense, and it got out of hand… 😕) It is, as you say, entirely my own shit that builds up in my head, and every now and again, I need to ‘disappear’ from social media, just for my own sanity and peace of mind. There is a certain sense of release and freedom that comes from just falling out of people’s lives, but I do always try to let the other person know that it’s me, and not them, that’s the problem.