Every couple fights. Fighting is actually a normal part of even the healthiest relationships.
Where things can take a turn is how the couple fights.
So many of us have the idea that if we’re fighting, we’re on opposite sides of the fence. We prepare for battle instead of a productive discussion. Teamwork goes straight out the window.
The ability for a couple and relationship to thrive is strongly dependent on whether or not that couple knows how to fight fair. There’s a way to enter into disagreements where you both come out winning.
If that hasn’t been the case for you and your partner, then you’ve landed in the right place. I’m walking you through several of the best tips to turn your painful fights into fair arguments that draw you and your partner closer than ever.
Don’t go in upset.
Look, it’s hard to be fair with anything when you’re emotional. Whether you gravitate towards anger, sadness, overwhelm, or a combination of several emotions, there’s no way to expect yourself to keep a level conversation if you can’t keep a level head.
It’s tempting to get “into it” the moment after the hurt and/or situation has happened, but taking a step back and tabling the subject is a million times more beneficial.
For one, it gives you an opportunity to pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling and what triggered it. It also makes it possible for you to sort out where the line is drawn: what’s your pain vs. your partner’s pain.
Are you in pain because a button was pushed? For example, what was said/done wasn’t necessarily hurtful, but it reminded you of a pain point from your past or a deep insecurity. Most of the time, we assume our partner is aware of these because they know us, but they don’t know everything.
The next question is are you in pain because of something explicit they did? For example, what they said/did was hurtful and cruel. Maybe they did it knowingly, maybe they didn’t.
In either situation, yes, what happened needs to be addressed. But, equally needed, is for you to approach from a space of calmness, even if the pain is still present.
State how and why you feel the way you feel.
This aspect really puts the emphasis on why taking a step back and going in calm is so vital. In the space you take for yourself, explore how and why you feel the way you feel about what happened.
Take some time to journal. You can do this with pen and paper or in a notes app on your phone. It’s important to know your answer to these questions before approaching your partner.
Reflect on these questions:
- What about the situation was upsetting for me? Was it what was said or the way something was said? Was it what my partner did or was it something partner didn’t do?
- What emotions does this bring out for me? Answer this in “I feel ________”. Sad, mad, scared, frustrated. Start naming emotions.
- What do I need from partner? What do I need to hear from them in this conversation? What do I need them to do after the conversation?
- What do I need from myself? Do I need space? Do I need to get out and about? Do I need to go do something specific to the situation?
- Am I open to hear feedback from my partner? In all likelihood, they have something to say, too. Ask: Am I in a space where I can listen to them with curiosity and compassion?
- How will I support my partner in their needs? This is a great opportunity to explore your boundaries. Read about setting boundaries in your relationship here and here.
Avoid these big negative triggers.
Blaming. Criticizing. Resenting. Assuming. Mind-reading.
All these are negative triggers for you and your partner. There’s no way to approach a conversation as a team if you’re going in with a “me vs. you” mentality.
These negative mindsets thrive off of the idea that only one of you can win this argument. It’s not about you winning or your partner winning. It’s about you two growing as a couple, discovering what works in the relationship, what doesn’t work, and how to support each other as individuals.
This doesn’t have to be scary or damaging. This can truly be a fantastic opportunity to walk a path of happiness and gain momentum instead of being held back.
Arguments and disagreements will always be part of a relationship. The sooner you and your partner can come to terms with that aspect, the sooner you two can stop putting on boxing gloves and start putting your heads together to problem-solve as a team.
Check in with your partner frequently.
Don’t resort to lecturing. It’s tempting, especially if you feel unheard, unconsidered, and under-appreciated. However, your partner is less likely to hear and understand your perspective when it’s one long lecture.
To combat this and ensure you’re having an actual conversation between two people, check in with your partner frequently by asking questions.
Pause after you’ve made a point and ask a simple question, such as, “I want to hear your thoughts on that. Can you share them?” or “I’m worried I’m not communicating this effectively. What’s your perspective on what I just said?”
By asking these questions in a non-threatening and inviting way, you’re opening the door for your partner to be a participant instead of a bystander in the conversation. You’re telling your partner that you want them to be involved in your life and not just an antidote, which can feel empowering for them.
Invoke the 2 Week Rule.
The 2 Week Rule is simple: No bringing up grievances, hurts, and/or painful situations that are older than 2 weeks.
If it happened more than 2 weeks ago, it’s not on the table during this discussion. Why? Because holding grudges against each other isn’t going to keep your relationship strong.
Either you want to value your grudge or you want to value your relationship. You can’t have it both ways.
Now, sometimes, there are situations that are older than 2 weeks that were extremely painful and either weren’t discussed or were not discussed with a resolution.
In those cases, it’s important to take responsibility for your role of not bringing it to the table sooner if you want to bring it to the table now. Keep your piece of the conversation focused on how you feel and why by making “I feel” statements (instead of “You did” statements).
If you feel like either of you at any time are starting to get too heated, take a 20 minute break. Go do something unrelated. Come back together when things have calmed down.
