You’re engaged to your favorite person in the whole world! And completely overwhelmed by wedding planning.
It’s all-consuming. You and your partner talk about little else now. However, you’ve never felt closer.
You feel like you know your partner completely. You two are in-sync with each other and moving on the same path.
Right?
Well, probably.
As a relationship educator, I’m familiar with the different fights couples have pre- and post-nuptials. It boils down to one thing: expectations.
You expect one thing and they expect another. Except, you two are so in-sync that you never thought to discuss it with each other because you assumed the other person’s experience.
I’m walking you through the vital conversations you should be having before you ever say “I do” along with guiding questions so you and your partner can avoid those post-wedding fights.
What are you expecting to be different after marriage?
This is a tricky question because there’s two reactions to it: either nothing or everything.
Both are unlikely.
In reality, post-wedding there will be some small changes and big changes. It’s important to discuss these expectations before-hand so everyone is on the same page.
You can start by getting in-touch with these expectations by doing something I’m sure you’ve already been doing quite a lot: daydreaming about your life after the “I dos”.
What does it look like? Who’s there? What does a day-in-the-life look like? Meditate on this and share with your partner while asking them to do the same. You may be surprised by what you discover.
What are our collective goals?
Part of the fun of the post-nuptial phase is working toward life together. It’s equally important to have goals as a couple as well as goals on an individual-level.
Where do you imagine being as a couple in 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? And 10 years?
This is the perfect opportunity to brainstorm together. Choose 1-3 goals you both want to seriously work towards as a team.
Here are some ideas of goals couples gravitate towards:
- Getting a dog/cat.
- Paying off all their debt.
- Saving x amount.
- Going to x place for vacation.
- Building a family and having x number of children.
- Buying a house.
What are your expectations around children?
Many couples walk down the aisle and then have a conversation about children. It’s easy to assume you and your partner are on the same page in regards of kids because once upon a time, someone made a comment in passing about having kids or not.
Wrong.
There are many different dynamics to family growth, specifically when it comes to how many children, when, financial status, family-of-origin involvement, etc.
The temptation to wait to have this discussion because you don’t want to “push anything” is a false one.
There are several advantages to having this conversation before wedding planning: expectations are managed, you two can dream about the future together, a focus on coming together as family pre-wedding can up excitement, etc.
Here are some base questions to consider:
- How many children?
- When do you want to start trying for children?
- What do you want to have in savings prior to having children?
- What involvement level do you want from families-of-origin?
What is your financial philosophy and belief system?
Money is one of the biggest argument starters amongst couples. This is for several reasons, but a big one is because each individual has a different financial philosophy and belief system.
Think about your family of origin, your parents/caregivers, and what your home life was like financially as a child. What was your family’s financial status? Did you feel financially secure? Were your family spenders or savers?
Each family has a unique financial story and you will bring your own story into this marriage.
Now is the best time to discuss several points with your partner. Here are some important things to discuss:
- What’s your financial philosophy? Are you a spender or saver? What about your partner?
- What was money like growing up? Did you feel like you could talk about finances openly or was it more private?
- Joint bank accounts or separate accounts? Or a combination?
- What assets are being brought into the marriage? (Ex: car, house, retirement accounts, stock, etc)
- What debts are being brought into the marriage? What is the specific joint debt total? (Ex: student loans – $25k, mortgage – $75k, car loan – $10k, etc)
- What is each other’s spending limits for joint accounts before needing to check in with each other? For example, if one of you wants to purchase something over $1,000, you need to check in with the other first to discuss.
Important Questions to Ask Yourself
All these big questions in this article are going to mean very little without asking the most important questions:
- Are they kind?
- Are they generous?
- Are they forgiving?
Because if you hesitate at any of those questions, then you need to be honest with yourself.
All the excuses in the book won’t make up for a miserable relationship. All the denial in the world won’t be a substitute for the unending pain of a marriage filled with contempt, criticism, and toxicity.
So, if you did hesitate, I’m telling you it’s okay to pause. It’s okay to take time to reflect on what you want. And, whatever your choice is from there, that’s okay, too.
Remember: You are worthy of the same love you give. Make sure you’re with someone who believes that, too, without having to be convinced.
