Boundaries usually have a negative connotation. For many us, boundaries can feel like rigid walls we’re building to keep others out.
In reality, healthy boundaries are there to create a safe space for you to develop an even deeper connection with your significant other.
How? When we set boundaries in our relationships, we’re really communicating our needs in clear and precise ways. We’re telling our partner “This is what I need and here is an exact roadmap so you never have to go through the stress of guessing”.
It can feel selfish and self-serving. However, boundaries actually foster that intimate love connection because you are thinking about the other person when they are set. You’re looking at a situation, assessing, and setting a limit to ensure everyone feels safe, seen, and loved.
I’m walking you through several different boundaries that are going to nurture your relationship into one of your best ones yet.
1. Having individual lives.
This is a boundary that can get murky, especially in the beginning of relationships. It’s important to have individual friends, hobbies, and lives outside of the relationship. Otherwise, you risk becoming enmeshed, or so involved with each other that you lose your sense of self.
Decide what this looks like for each of you. Maybe you have dinner plans with your girlfriends every week and he hangs out with his guys. Maybe it means that you like to go running in the park in the mornings and he spends part of his afternoon reading in his favorite coffee shop.
Whatever you two decide you need and want, decide to make supportive space for the other one to cultivate their unique selves.
2. Taking space.
Taking space is particularly relevant in times of relationship stress. AKA fighting. Every couple gets into arguments. Sometimes, those arguments can get heated, especially if they press on our pain points.
A great boundary to have is to take a break, or space, from the conversation before it gets too heated. It doesn’t have to be anything drastic. It can literally mean you go to one room to cool off while your partner goes to another.
Set a time to return to the conversation. Setting this time builds a vital foundation of trust in each other. Don’t choose anything longer than 48 hours. Otherwise, taking space will backfire because you’re partner or you are feeling held emotionally hostage.
3. Being honest.
The toughest moments to be honest with another are usually when you feel judged, shamed, or belittle. So, while actually being honest and open is an important precedent to set, it’s also important to create a space that nurtures it naturally.
One of the best ways to encourage and cultivate a relationship based on honesty is to commit to being honest yourself. That means telling your partner when they’ve been hurtful sooner rather than later. It means talking about your fears or sadness around certain topics. It means being open about your opinion in situations that could effect you both, such as job changes, finances, and moving cities.
Healthy boundaries are there to create a safe space for you to develop an even deeper connection with your significant other. Click To Tweet4. Deciding what’s “public knowledge”.
This is an area that leads to many fights for couples. It’s important to set clear, precise boundaries as to what aspects of your relationship get shared and with whom. For example, you may want different boundaries for what and how much gets shared with coworkers versus your mom.
A good starting point is to set a “no negatives” boundary. This means that arguments stay private, or only between you two and don’t get shared. It can also mean that you both commit to only discussing each other with others in a positive way.
Those two boundaries are great starting points because they protect your relationship while also setting a safe, positive atmosphere for your partner. That way, there’s no surprises at work parties, family fun days, or friends night out where the other is caught off-guard from delicate information being shared.
5. Yelling and/or name-calling.
This is a basic boundary. Truly, this boundary can just be known as “any hostility in general”. That includes yelling, name-calling, stonewalling (aka the silent treatment), belittling, holding grudges, and/or getting physically violent.
This boundary is basic because it’s a bare minimum that should be in play. Without it, there’s no trust and no way for the relationship (or the people in it) to thrive.
6. Your problems vs. my problems.
While it may sound sweet in Rom-Coms for a couple to take on each other’s problems like their own, it’s not functional in real life. Long-story-short, we all got our shit.
Life is messy and we’re all doing our best to muddle through. While supporting each other is a baseline necessity, it’s important to do so in a way where the other doesn’t feel like they’re getting dragged into the mud, too.
This can often look like asking what your partner needs in times of distress, rather than trying to fix. It can look like saying “I love you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Let’s go watch your favorite movie/grab ice cream/walk through the park” instead of taking action for them.
Boundaries foster intimate love connection because you are thinking about the other person when they are set. You're looking at a situation and setting a limit to ensure everyone feels safe, seen, and loved. Click To Tweet7. Faithfulness.
Another baseline boundary for every relationship. This boundary is there for exclusive relationships that wish to remain exclusive. Both of you need to be on the same page as to what fidelity means for you.
Does it mean no romantic physical relationships with the opposite sex? Where do you stand on close, intimate friendships with the opposite sex? What about spending time alone with the opposite sex?
These are all questions to consider. You want to be sure you clearly know where you and your partner stand with these answers.
8. Respectfulness.
Being respectful towards each other creates a space of compassion and nurture in the relationship. Respectfulness in a relationship looks like treating each other with compassion, nurturing companionship over resentments, and having a genuine interest in the other without assuming their intentions or mind-reading.
If you’ve been struggling with the previous boundaries mentioned and aren’t sure where to begin, start with this one. Trust stems from respect. Compassion stems from respect. Honesty stems from respect.
I want to be clear that respect is not obedience. Anyone who expects obedience in a relationship is not someone who could ever foster respect for you simultaneously. In most cases, it’s a sign of something deeper, such as abuse, going on.
9. A safe space to say “no”.
This is not restricted to just physical consent of any nature, but to any situation.
This could be saying “no” to going to your significant other’s family function when you had the work week from hell and need to rest. It could also mean saying “no” to taking on a household chore or task when you feel like you have too much on your plate.
The ability to tell each other “no” is self-preservation. It’s a boundary there to ensure that no one is going so far past their limit that things wind up blowing up instead of keeping the peace.
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