So much of the engagement period these days is geared towards wedding planning. However, we forget what we’re doing it all for: to enter into a deep and meaningful marriage with the person we love the most.
Your wedding will last a day. Your marriage will last a lifetime.
Crossing over into married territory isn’t as simple as saying some vows and wearing a ring. To the surprise of many couples, it’s more complex than that. Your relationship to each other changes when you get married. You know where you both stand in commitment and trust. You take an oath for better or for worse. You testify in front of family, friends, and loved ones that this is your forever person and that you love them immensely. These things do change your relationship.
Like any change, it can be intimidating and overwhelming. However, it doesn’t have to be.
Talking about these important points before getting to the wedding day gives you both space and opportunity to discover aspects of each other you have yet to uncover.
1. Talk about shared goals and aspirations.
When you two get married, “me” becomes “we”. While I strongly believe in setting individual goals and aspirations, it’s equally important to talk about what goals you want to set as a married couple.
Goal-setting can be a deeply personal thing. We all set goals and attempt to achieve them in different ways. What may make sense to you may not make sense to your partner and vice versa. This is your opportunity to discover where your strengths lie when tackling things as a team and encouraging each other in those strengths.
Discuss what your goals as a married couple are and how and when you’d like to achieve them together. Do you two want kids? If so, how many? What if pregnancy isn’t an option? Will you both keep your careers post-baby or will someone want to drop a job? Do you want to buy a house? If so, where and what’s your savings game plan for a down payment? What’s your retirement plan? How much do you want to have saved by the time you retire? These are just start questions to help you both get going, but there’s plenty more to explore.
2. Talk about family traditions.
One of the most fun things about planning your lives together is getting to decide which traditions to carry on and which traditions to create. Taking time to do this now brings excitement to certain seasons of life you’ll experience as a married couple. In addition, it helps manage expectations to a reasonable level when it comes to holidays, children, vacations, etc.
Decide which traditions you both would like to embrace and when. Are there holiday traditions you would like to uphold? If you two have children, are there certain aspects of their life, such as schooling and extracurriculars, that you’re expecting to be upheld? Do you usually plan annual vacations and are they always in the same location or different every year?
Like any change, it can be intimidating and overwhelming. However, it doesn't have to be. Click To Tweet3. Talk about each other’s families.
I’m sure by this point you know plenty about each other’s families. However, marriage means that you both will be entering into new families, including creating a new family together.
It’s important to discuss who’s expecting you where and for what occasions. Where are the holidays going to be spent? Is there an annual family vacation that can’t be missed? Are families who live in a different state or region expecting biannual visits?
Discuss how and what boundaries you would like to set as a couple. If you two have kids, how often are other family members expected to or allowed to visit? What about family that lives in your same town? What is the rule on discussing private marriage business, such as arguments and disagreements?
4. Talk about what quality time with each other looks like.
While this may seem like an obvious answer due to how you two would spend time before getting married, post-marriage can often be different. After marriage, you need to become more intentional with your time otherwise it can go out the window entirely.
What does quality time mean to you? Does it mean lounging on a Sunday post-brunch and reading in the same room? Does it mean scheduling weekly adventures? Does it mean setting aside time to have deep conversations and check in with each other emotionally?
5. Talk about your work/life balance expectations.
The work/life balance is at the heart of a lot of married couples’ arguments. Either someone is staying too late at work too often or someone isn’t working enough. It’s important to lay out what the expectations are now so that no one feels blindsided in a few months time.
Discuss what you imagine your day-to-day lives to be like. What time do you and your spouse leave for work in the morning? Do you both work? How will you handle if the situation arises where one needs to relocate for a job? If you two have outside responsibilities, such as pets and/or kids, what’s the plan if someone gets sick and requires one of you to take a large amount of time off work? What are your expectations for weekends and time off?
6. Talk about how to tackle social situations as a married couple.
There’s a social shift that happens when you get married. Suddenly, your significant other is no longer just your boyfriend or girlfriend, but has moved up in the ranks. People expect you two to come as a team, a packaged deal. This means being in sync with your boundaries with others as a couple and your married life goals.
Discuss what sort of social boundaries you’d like to establish in the relationship. If one of you is invited to an important event, but the other isn’t, what’s the plan and the attendance decision? What’s your expectations if a friend or family member is being overly vocal about their disapproval, to the point of rudeness, about the other? What’s your expectations about friendships with the opposite sex? What aspects of the relationship would you like to keep private versus ones that you would feel comfortable having discussed with friends or family members?
If you got value from this article, remember to share it with someone who could use it, too!
