Boundaries are a touchy subject for many of us. Often times, we feel wrong for setting a boundary. We feel like we’re being intentionally mean. Not to mention, between the potentially ill feelings of the other person and the guilt we feel afterwards, it can be completely overwhelming to set a boundary.
However, boundaries aren’t there to keep people out. Boundaries exist so that you can bring the people you love and care about closer in a safer and more intimate way.
Boundaries aren’t supposed to be rigid walls. They are meant to act as guiding lights along the path that you both walk to the same destination.
So, how do you know when you need them? Well, there’s several tell-tale signs that you need to start setting boundaries in your life ASAP. And, I’m going to walk you through all of them.
1. You feel overwhelmed and burned out.
Usually, we’re getting plenty of warning signs before we hit this point. But, sometimes, we just don’t “get it” until we’re completely exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling like we just can’t go on.
Burn out is really the result of poor boundaries. The best way to recover from a burn out is to dive deep into self-care and reflect on what boundaries you need so you don’t hit this point again.
That can look like taking longer to make decisions, not making choices based off how others may feel about said choices, or taking a break instead of taking on another project.
However, you decide to tackle it, be kind to yourself.
2. You feel like you don’t have time for yourself.
This ties into the first point. You have to set boundaries for yourself before you can start setting boundaries with the outside world.
A boundary with self that so many people miss is setting aside time every day to take care of yourself. This can mean you get in a nap. It can mean that you have a skincare routine. It can mean that you never skip the gym.
It doesn’t have to be some luxurious bubblebath with 24 bath bombs and a new book every day. (It can if you want to, though.) More often than not, making time for yourself just means showing up for yourself in whatever way you need every day without judgment.
Boundaries aren't there to keep people out. Boundaries exist so that you can bring the people you love and care about closer in a safer and more intimate way. Click To Tweet3. You say “yes” more often than “no”.
The biggest indicator that you need more boundaries in your life is that your “yes” to “no” is skewed the wrong way. For sanity sake, it’s important to find yourself saying “no” more often than “yes”.
This will feel backwards, especially if you’ve never done it before. And, yes, you may feel guilty. However, the premise behind this concept is that you’re saying “no” to everything that is not an enthusiastic, vibrant “yes”.
If you’re saying “I’ll think about it”, you should say “no”. If you’re saying “Maybe next week”, you should say “no”. If you’re saying “If I push this thing to later”, you should say “no”.
When you say “no” to things like this, you lighten your load so that you can say “yes” to the things that really matter and give your whole self to it.
4. You consider yourself the “caretaker” or the “mom”.
This is particularly true if you grew up in a household where you were expected to be the parent or the “caretaker”. In those situations, it’s easy to pride yourself off of this ability because it was what you were praised for and identified with.
While it’s amazing to be a kind, considerate, compassionate, and nurturing person, it’s hurting you to take on this role.
Every time you take on being the caretaker, you discard your own worth and value as a person by essentially saying that your needs not only don’t matter, but they shouldn’t exist.
You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to have wants. You’re allowed to go after them unapologetically.
You’re allowed to let people handle themselves. You’re allowed to take the time and space you need to take care of you. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
5. You do what’s expected of you, regardless as to what’s going on in your life.
Otherwise known as “people pleasing”. No one likes that term. It feels shameful to be a people-pleaser, but in truth, we’re all people-pleasers to some degree.
Where it becomes toxic is when someone else’s opinion of you dictates your happiness and prosperity in life. You can’t thrive through someone else’s joy. You can only come to that point when you stand in your own light and exist as you are.
It’s okay to ask for breaks. Even better: It’s okay (and encouraged!) to ask for help.
Asking for help does not make you helpless. It makes you knowledgable about your limits. It makes you humble. It makes you human.
Ask for help. Take breaks. Be okay with letting other people down over letting yourself down.
6. You feel resentful every time someone asks for more.
I mean, you just did all these things for them? You feel completely unappreciated. There’s times where you wonder if people even recognize half the stuff you do for them. If you weren’t there, the whole thing would fall to pieces.
I’ve been there. There’s times where I find myself standing front and center of that soapbox before I even realize what’s going on.
When you feel this way, it’s not because other people are intentionally trying to hurt you, even when it feels so damn deliberate. It’s just that they’ve never been shown anything different.
Boundaries are there as guiding lights. You light the path for other people every time you set a boundary.
People may not like this boundary, especially when it’s a new concept. But, you don’t need them to like it. You need them to follow the lights so everyone can journey safely to the same destination.
Where to next? Learn how to set boundaries here.
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Yep, constantly feeling burnt out 😖 My trouble is, I lack boundaries in my own mind, let alone with other people!
I need to not give myself so much work to do, stop obsessing over trivial things and not constantly be looking for chores to do!