The truth is that most of these guys are like this because they’re in survival mode. How they behave is incredibly telling to where their deepest fears lie and where they struggled in their childhood homes.
However, none of those truths negate yours: You are not a savior. Take him to Church if you want to save him. Otherwise, let’s focus on you.
You have a “type”. It’s not liking guys with blue eyes or over 6 ft or anything of that nature. It’s gravitating towards men that repeat a relationship in your life that you haven’t healed.
If you find yourself constantly in a relationship with men who are controlling, then what feels familiar in that? Was one (or both) of your parents like this? Or was it that your parents never provided a sense of control and now you’re filling a gap?
Becoming aware of these needs is going to be the most helpful in the long run. Your needs are not wrong. It’s not bad to want someone who doesn’t feel chaotic or who is charming or who is calm in times of change. These are all healthy and normal things to want from a partner.
Where you can wind up in dark waters is when you can’t fulfill those needs for yourself. The trick is that you need to feel secure in providing those needs for yourself by yourself first before you can find someone to support you in that journey.
Usually, that isn’t realized until you’re knee-deep in a relationship and wondering where it all went to shit. So, let me walk you through 3 guys you should stay away from, what they look like, and who to look for instead.
The Controller
The Controller is particularly comforting if you feel like your life is out-of-control. He can come in, swoop you up, and clean up the whole mess with a smile on his face. However, a relationship with The Controller is rarely a feel-good, fulfilling relationship. It can leave you feeling drained, gaslighted, and with a confusing sense of self-worth and your identity.
What this guy looks like
- Likes to always know what you’re doing and who you’re with
- Has an opinion about everything you do
- Highly critical of those around him
- Often paints himself as the hero when storytelling
- Strict rule follower, especially if he made up the “rules”
- Rarely apologizes for his actions (due to belief he was doing you/someone a favor)
Why he causes trouble
At first, The Controller will start small. His opinions will be “refreshing”. You’ll rely on his quick judgments to help guide you. His strong sense of direction may feel safe.
Then, it will quickly turn into an ugly pattern.
You will feel like you have to “report” your day back to The Controller for his seal of approval. You feel like you can’t be your true authentic self around him. You may even feel that you can’t talk with him about hurtful things he said or did because the blame will be flipped back on you, causing even more pain.
A relationship with The Controller feels more like a relationship a prison guard would have with an inmate rather than a loving relationship between two adults.
What to look for instead
You’re most likely attracted to The Controller because he feels safe. He’s knowledgable about many things, confident during decision-making, and always has an answer. That feels like the opposite of chaos and that feels good.
Look for someone who is confident without external validation. When they receive a critique or criticism, they ask for more information instead of defending themselves. They’re okay with saying “I don’t know” authentically. They’re more interested in learning from others instead of teaching others. They give you space when you’re feeling emotional while staying easy to check in with. They include you in the decision-making process by asking what your opinions, thoughts, and/or goals are and taking them into consideration.
Wonder why you always end up with the same guy and in the same awful relationship again and again? Read this. Click To TweetThe Showy One
He could easily be called a “people-pleaser”, but it’s more aggressive than standard people-pleasing. He’s charming. He wants you to believe things about him, whether or not they’re true. Your perception of him is more important than anything else going on in his life. He tends to stay surface-level with conversations because heading into deep conversations would require him to remove a carefully-built mask and facade he’s made.
What this guy looks like
- Talks about money openly and often without sensitivity to others
- Wears designer and points it out
- Reminds you of past achievements when telling stories
- Highly competitive
- Goals are primarily focused around external factors (cars, homes, clothes, etc)
- Typically has an overly optimistic persona
Why he causes trouble
He’s charming. He’s funny. He’s trendy. He’s a catch. Sure, he may make a fun date, but not a fun serious boyfriend. He’s most likely an avoider and shuts down during the deep conversations true relationships require. He most likely will pull a disappearing act after fights until he feels like things are “good” again.
His need to be the “good guy” will reign over him taking true responsibility for his role. This translates to built up resentment, broken trust, and promises that repeatedly fall through. You will probably feel like you’re never heard or considered. You’ll be left longing for a deeper connection and more intimacy.
What to look for instead
The Showy One is attractive because he’s witty, charming, and looks like he has it all together. In reality, he’s buried and dragging under the weight of his own insecurities. On the surface, he’s great to have by your side if you’re struggling with your own insecurities and hardships in your life.
Instead, look for someone who has a more genuine sense of humor. They’re funny, but not at the expense of others. They rarely gossip about others. When faced with a challenge or a hardship, they focus on figuring things out over staying positive. While they want to cheer you up during your hard times, they also leave you space to process and don’t push you to “get over it”.
The Confused One
This guy has no f*cking clue as to what he actually wants. His relationship track history is all over the place. Most of his relationships don’t last longer than 3 months. When they do, he’ll recount how absolutely miserable he was during the time. He’s all over the place as to what he thinks about the world around him. Usually, he looks for insight from you before making a decision.
What this guy looks like
- Constantly playing hot-and-cold: one minute he’s interested and into you and the next minute he’s distant and disappearing
- Changes jobs frequently and/or doesn’t hold a job for longer than a year
- His dreams of the future are easily persuaded by what’s around him at the moment
- Doesn’t keep commitments or promises to you
- Flippant about changing plans
- Doesn’t contribute to date ideas and usually “goes with the flow”
Why he causes trouble
The Confused One can feel thrilling at first. Everything is an exciting adventure! However, you can quickly get whiplash trying to keep up. You will feel like you need to be everything for to keep his interest.
What works one week doesn’t work the next. He says he wants one thing, then goes for the other. You go left, he goes right. If you were to ask him what he wants his, his genuine answer is “I don’t know”, yet, he expects you to figure it out for him.
You can’t rely on him and it makes your world chaotic. You will feel like you can’t count on him to follow through because it’s a coin toss every time. You believe he has good intentions while knowing those intentions don’t consider you at all, which can shake your sense of self-worth.
You don’t feel special because nothing is sacred to him. Everything is fair game. If you’re in, great. If you’re not, who cares? Being in a relationship with a self-actualizing rock is more fulfilling than a date with this guy.
What to look for instead
What makes The Confused One so attractive is that he sees the world as a land of endless possibilities. He’ll be damned if he knows what to do with any of it, though. That viewpoint can feel exciting when you’re in a creative rut or feel like you’ve lived an unfulfilling life.
Look for someone who is open-minded, but knows themselves intimately. This person knows their likes and dislikes while being open to new experiences. They are great at gently setting (and keeping) boundaries while inviting you into their lives. They don’t hold judgments about others. Instead, they believe everyone has their reasons and it’s none of their business anyway. They’re interested in learning about people’s decision-making process while having a concrete process of their own. They’re actively working towards their goals and are in it for the “long game”.
