Every couple fights. Even though the engagement period can be a blissful time in a relationship timeline, it comes with it’s fair amount of stressors. Those stressors can put fights front-and-center.
It’s not important to focus on not fighting right now. Make space for you both to be human.
Instead, focus on coming through those fights as a team that found a solution to a problem together. Come to a consensus on issues on what works best for you as a couple.
What happens if you can’t come to a consensus and agreement?
Then, you need to ask yourself, “Is this the hill I want to die on?” I’m all for advocating for your needs and being a team. However, if neither of you are budging on your wants, then you’ve entered “me vs. you” territory (opposed to “us vs. the problem”) and need to reconsider what you want from this relationship.
Don’t dismiss your needs just because your partner isn’t a match for them. Don’t dismiss your partner’s needs just because they may not align with your expectations.
The key is to leave wiggle room for everyone. Assume that you both are trying to find the best way to love each other and be a team. Be on the same side and work towards a consensus. If no consensus can be made, then take some space to evaluate what you want out of life and this relationship.
For now, let’s delve into the most common fights engaged couples have before getting married and how you can get ahead of the game.
Kids
Kids are the easiest to make an assumption about because, for the most part, by the time you’re engaged, you’ve probably already talked about future children. However, that talk was probably also done blissfully and with the thought that you two aren’t trying for kids right now.
Marriage changes that. If kids are in your cards, it’s typically after you’ve said your “I do”s. But don’t wait until after to discuss in detail any future children.
Common Fight #1: How many kids
You may be thinking 2 kids max. Your partner may be thinking to start with 2 kids and then go from there. So, on the surface, everyone wants 2 kids. What’s left unspoken is the expectation of after.
SOLUTION: Discuss in detail how many kids you truly want in your cards. Answer these questions together:
- How many children do you each want? What’s your ideal number?
- Is there space to reassess? For example, do you want to begin with one child and reassess after the first?
- What’s your birth control plan? Will you or your partner be planning to use any contraception or planning methods?
- How far apart do you want to space your children? If you plan on having more than one child, what’s your ideal timeline?
Common Fight #2: When to have the kids
A common situation couples come across when they go to start a family is miscommunication as to when to start trying. You may be ready to jump right in while your partner thinks you’re waiting until reaching a certain career or financial goal.
SOLUTION: Have a conversation about what timeline you two would like to be on. Realize that babies and children come on their own time, but make space to agree upon a preferred timeline. Here are some questions to answer together:
- What’s your ideal timeline for children?
- Are there any life aspects that you want established before starting a family? (Ex: buy a house, hit a certain income level, pay down x amount of debt, etc.)
- When do you want to start trying for a baby? Keep in mind that it can take up to a year for two individuals with no health complications to conceive.
Common Fight #3: Kids’ names
Some people have their kids’ names pre-planned before ever meeting their forever partner. Other people name them after they’re born. If you’re the latter, be sure to check in with your partner as they may already have names lined up. Names tend to be a silent expectation, or the expectation that your partner doesn’t have a preference and/or will love the name as much as you do.
SOLUTION: Ask your partner if they have any baby names lined up. Answer these questions together:
- Is there any family relative, friend, or other person of significance that you or your partner are planning on honoring through name choice?
- Are there any names that are specifically off the table?
- Are you planning on giving the children middle names?
- What will be the last name of the child?
Common Fight #4: The kids’ lives
You’re thinking private school and your partner is thinking public school. You’re thinking of enrolling them in after-school sports while your partner has plans for piano lessons. These are all minor, nuisanced details that can lead to big blow ups.
SOLUTION: Take the steam out now. Things can (and most likely will) change down the line, but now is the opportunity to share and discuss with your partner about your future hopes and dreams. Answer these questions together:
- Private school, public school, or homeschool?
- Living in a child-friendly neighborhood or living somewhere else?
- What cultural activities do you want the child to take part in?
- What family traditions are you hoping to keep together?
Money
Everyone has a different money philosophy based on how they were raised and what their home life was like as a child. Someone who grew up in a family that rarely spent money may now be a super-spender. Another who grew up in a family with little savings may have underlying credit card debt that you don’t know about.
Even post-nuptials, money is still the thing couples fight the most about. Thus, it’s even more important to talk about expectations ahead of time.
Common Fight #1: Budgets
You’re a spender. They’re a saver. Or vice versa. What you think is important to make financial space for may be very low on the list for your partner. Budget becomes a pain point when you two are on different pages and navigating different money philosophies.
SOLUTION: Have an in-depth conversation about your money philosophy. Talk specific numbers with each other. Sit down with your bank documents and go over your finances in detail. Answer these questions together:
- What are your top 3 budget priorities? (Ex: bills, savings, debt, etc.)
- Are you a spender or a saver?
- What is your current debt total?
- What are your savings? Are you saving for anything specifically?
- Is there anything the two of you want to save for together? What’s your savings timeline? Who’s contributing what amount?
- Will you be getting a joint bank account or keeping your accounts separate (or a mix)?
- What assets are you bringing into the marriage? (Ex: car, house, stock, etc.)
- Are either of you interested or planning on a prenup?
Common Fight #2: Wedding spending
It’s no secret: Weddings are expensive AF. Traditionally, the bride pays for most of it. However, we’re coming into new times where a wedding’s financial burden falls on both the bride and groom. This can lead to many disagreements as to what’s necessary, what’s too expensive, and what’s out-of-the-question.
SOLUTION: Come to an agreement on your top 3 wedding priorities. Everything else is water under the bridge. Then, answer these questions with your partner:
- What’s your cap for spending?
- Who’s taking care of which bill? (Ex: you’re paying for the catering, your partner is paying for the bar, etc.)
- Are you asking family members for assistance? If so, who?
- What are your honeymoon plans and budget?
Common Fight #3: Who earns more
This fight is popular because it boils down a power struggle in the relationship. Power struggles can be frustrating, consuming, and leave both partners feeling defeated.
SOLUTION: Power struggles tend to be surface issues. Underneath the power struggle is a larger pain. For example, you may be having this power struggle of who earns more or has the greater earning potential because someone doesn’t feel heard or appreciated in the relationship. Check out this article and Stage 2 for specific tips.
In-Laws
You’re not just marrying your partner and best friend. You’re also marrying their family. This can either be really awesome or really difficult. Usually, it’s a combination of both.
Common Fight #1: Riffs with future in-laws
Everyone gets squirrely when it comes to weddings. Usually, people feel like they’re entitled to an opinion even when the situation doesn’t require their input. Weddings pull insecurities into the limelight.
SOLUTION: Focus your engagement and wedding on what it’s all about: the love you and your partner share for each other. There will be a lot of background noise during this time. It’s okay to say, “Thank you for sharing” and move on.
Remember: You are not obligated to accommodate anyone else’s emotions. Take care of you.
Common Fight #2: Family enmeshment and boundaries
Families are made of imperfect people. You may be running into situations that lack boundaries. The lack of boundaries can set everyone at each other’s throats, especially if there’s already stress.
SOLUTION: Get serious about setting and keeping boundaries. It may not feel like your “territory”. However, the boundaries you and your partner set together with your families will set the tone for your marriage. Start setting boundaries now and early as a team to make for a swifter time in the near future.
Here’s some articles to get you started:
- 6 Signs You’re Lacking Boundaries
- How to Set Boundaries
- How to Set Boundaries with Your Parents
- How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship
- 9 Boundaries to Set for Your Best Relationship Yet
Common Fight #3: Holidays
Holidays are often a pain point for both families involved. In an idyllic world, everyone would get the amount of time they desire together during the holidays. However, you’re going to have to split the time. Not everyone is going to be happy about that fact or how it’s split.
SOLUTION: Focus on your needs as a couple. Introduce new holiday traditions between the two of you as you become a family. Be on the same page with both families as to what your plans are during the holidays. Answer these questions together:
- Are there any holidays that are particularly special to one family? How do you want to honor this?
- What are your plans for major holidays, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, if you celebrate?
- Where will you be staying during the holidays if travel is required?
- What are gift-giving expectations during the holidays?
- What family traditions are you hoping to celebrate with each other?
- What new traditions would you like to start as a new family during the holidays?
