First dates can be exhilarating and nerve-wracking. The hardest part is this moment: the “before”. The anticipation is thrilling and simultaneously can make you feel like you’re going to pop from anxiety.
You want this first date to make a lasting impression. You want it to be amazing and show how amazing you are, as well. But, you don’t want to seem like you’re desperate, needy, or a try-hard.
It’s the great balancing act. I’m walking you through 12 ways to ensure your date turns out just how amazing you imagine it will be.
1. Know what you want and what you don’t want.
Sometimes, it’s easier to start with the things you don’t want. That’s because when you experience those things, it’s such an uncomfortable experience that goes against your grind that you know right off the bat.
However, it’s equally important to notice the things you want. These may be easy to list off or you may realize that certain things are more important than you realize if the person seems to be missing that element.
Regardless, knowing what you want, what you don’t want, and who you’re looking for may feel like you’re going into the game with too many demands. But, what it really does is narrow the playing field so that you can find someone who’s truly worth your energy.
2. Keep your self-worth in check before you walk out the door.
This person is not going to be and can never be the person to give you validation and worth. Only you can do that.
Going into the dating realm with the mindset that your worthiness depends on someone else seeing it first will lead to heartache and frustration for everyone.
Your worth is not dependent on a stranger seeing it. Your value doesn’t rest in the hands of whether or not someone deems you lovable or datable or desirable.
You are worthy already. You are valuable already. You are deserving of love already.
Don’t hand over the reigns to your confidence and livelihood the minute the date starts.
3. Don’t commit to this person.
Yes, it’s fun and entertaining to imagine what your babies will look like and what kind of wedding you’ll have, but it’s not realistic.
It’s important to be friendly, courteous, and kind while still leaving options open. Leave room for things to go as they go instead of “as planned”. Plans and expectations are the surest way to disappointment.
Instead, reflect on the points made in the first bullet on this article. Take time after the date to reflect on what went well, what was uncomfortable, and if this is a person you want to get know.
Don’t start with the question “Can I marry this person?”.
Ask “Can I be good friends with this person?”. That answer is much more telling.
You want this first date to make a lasting impression. You want it to be amazing and show how amazing you are, as well. But, you don't want to seem like you're desperate, needy, or a try-hard. Click To Tweet4. Ask your date genuine questions.
It’s a well-known psychological phenomenon that if you want someone to like you, don’t talk about yourself. Instead, ask them questions about themselves. They’ll end up liking you and wanting to spend more time with you because of how they feel from the experience, opposed to the information they learned.
It may seem backwards, but it works. Ask your date genuine questions about their life. Be interested in what they have to say and follow up with their stories.
Yes, talk about yourself. Chime in, of course! This is opportunity for your date to get to know you, too.
On the plus side, asking more questions than answering takes a lot of the pressure to perform off of you.
5. Embrace the awkward moments.
There’s going to be awkward moments. Everyone is human in this scenario. And, you’re probably both pretty nervous. So, make space for that.
Best way to handle awkward moments? Laugh it off and say, “Well, that was awkward”.
Have fun with it! Those awkward moments typically make for the fondest memories.
6. Show up as your whole self.
We all like to put our best foot forward. First impressions do matter. However, they don’t mean much if it’s a completely false representation.
Yes, get dressed up. Clean up your car. Have on your best smile and bring your A-game. But, also show up as yourself.
You’re not going to find someone who likes you for you if they’re never shown who you really are. Hiding authentic pieces of yourself is setting yourself up for turmoil later down the road.
Do you have to have all your insecurities on blast? No. Should you fake where you work, live, your income, your friend circle, your likes and dislikes during this date? Solid no.
If that person doesn’t like you for you, then you don’t want them in your life anyway. They could never fulfill the love and support you need and deserve.
7. Decide on your boundaries before the date starts.
What are your physical boundaries? What’s okay and not okay physically for this date?
What about emotionally and mentally? What topics are off the table? What are some red flags and green flags you want to be aware of?
Decide these now before even meeting up with the person.
Decide how flexible you want to be with these boundaries. Boundaries are only meant to be guidelines, not strict rules. Perhaps you find yourself really hitting it off with this person and you’re willing to be more flexible with your boundaries. Or perhaps you discover that this person isn’t a great fit and you want to adjust your boundaries to become even more structured.
Be open to either possibility while preparing to maintain and hold your boundaries.
You can stop stressing and planning because here is a dozen ways to make this first date go as amazing as you imagine it will be! Click To Tweet8. Let go of judgment.
While it’s important to know and uphold your standards, it’s equally important to manage your expectations. There’s no way that you can find out everything about a person on one date.
We all have baggage. We all have our own story. The outside can be so deceptive of what’s on the inside.
So, yes, use your better judgment. By that, I mean, listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, honor that feeling.
However, if you find yourself internally critiquing your date on minute details, let it go. That inner critic is blocking you from authentic connection. And you won’t know your true interest in this person if you can’t connect.
9. Opt for positive conversation topics.
Now is not the time for heavy-hitting and serious conversation topics. Put topics like politics, marriage, kids, religion, etc. on the back-burner for now.
While you do want to get to know each other during this date, sensitive topics are best saved for later after a base relationship – whether it’s platonic or not – has formed.
Stick to positive conversation topics that lead to uplifting feelings. The truly interesting aspects of someone can lie in the most random topics. Honestly, those are usually the best conversations.
Want to get an idea of a few topics that will keep you talking all night? Try these conversation starters!
10. Know your red flags.
Just like it’s important to know what you want and what your standards are, it’s also important to watch for red flags.
First dates are full of hope and excitement. So, naturally, it can be easy to miss red flags or dismiss them entirely. However, this dismissive and avoidant mentality can lead to greater trouble down the road.
If you’re seeing red flags in the beginning, then it’s most likely the tip of the iceberg and a huge neon sign as to how a relationship would go with this person. This is why it’s important to take note of them if they come up.
Here are some classic red flags to watch out for.
And, remember, your safety is top priority. If at any time you don’t feel safe during a date, then please leave. Let a friend know where you’re going. Have an escape option available. Take care of yourself.
11. Put friendship first.
Long-lasting and loving relationships are built on a foundation of friendship. While you’re testing your romantic chemistry with this date, remember to keep friendship at the forefront.
What does this look like? It means making the end-goal, not a relationship, but a truly amazing friendship.
Ever hear the saying that “the best relationships start off as friendships”? Well, it’s not wrong. And while your overall goal may be a romantic relationship, starting as friends has its huge ups, such as setting the stage for trust, learning about the other person without pressure, creating fond memories.
This is not to say that you must be friends for a certain amount of time before engaging in a relationship. Rather, it’s to remind you that if you decide to build on this romantic relationship, never lose sight of the bond of friendship in the process.
12. Focus on being present, not perfect.
You are human. So is this person. While the pressure to seem like the “perfect” catch can be front and center, remember to leave room for grace.
Be gentle with yourself. You may have moments where you wish it went differently than it did and that’s okay.
It’s okay to be human. Focus on being present in the moment instead of creating a perfect persona.
A quick grounding exercise when you feel yourself becoming anxious is to tap into your 5 senses:
- What’s something you see?
- What’s something you hear?
- What’s something you taste?
- What’s something you smell?
- What’s something you feel?
By answering these questions in the moment, you can truly ground yourself in the present so you can enjoy your date in its entirety.
Remember to have fun, relax into this date, and that you have the time and space you need to make good decisions.
