It can be a difficult place to be when you realize that you don’t feel as close to your spouse as you once used to. That initial honeymoon phase you both entered into at the beginning of the relationship isn’t meant to be permanent. At one point or another, some level of disillusionment happens and you have to learn how to be a couple.
Don’t fear. This is a season that many couples go through and it does mean that you’re doomed as a pair. In fact, it’s a fantastic opportunity to grow and nurture your relationship into something even better than it was before. This is your moment as a couple to choose each other every day in amazingly positive ways.
Bonding as a couple is an everlasting adventure. What works great one year may not be quite enough the next year. This is normal and to be expected as we grow as people on individual levels.
I’m going to walk you through 10 things you can start doing today to start to improve your marriage.
1. Do a daily reflection on all the positive things you like about your spouse.
There is a phenomenon called “negative comparisons” that can happen in relationships when you start to complain regularly and often about your partner’s behaviors. (Read more about it here.) When this happens, you’re immersed in everything that is “wrong” with your spouse and it’s easy to become bitter and resentful.
Instead, focus on filling that mental space with positivity, especially of you, your spouse, or both of you have been engaging in negative comparisons. You can do this by simply taking out your phone at the end of each night and getting down a few bullet points about what you liked about them that day. It’s even more important to take the time do this if the day was not picturesque and/or involved disagreements.
2. Bring in more physical touch.
While sex should be a regular part of married life, it’s too easy to forget the other parts of physical touch that should also be making an appearance. Hugs and kisses should both be part of an ordinary marriage experience. The presence of both increases trust, connection, and love for each other through the release of oxytocin, the “love” hormone.
3. Keep high standards.
According to research conducted by The Gottman Institute, couples who keep their standards high for each other tend to be happier. This is especially true for newlyweds who find it harder to vocalize when they’ve been hurt. If you’re in the habit of keeping your feelings to yourself, find a way to express them in a safe, healthy way so your spouse has an opportunity to learn more about you and what you need.
This is your moment as a couple to choose each other every day in amazingly positive ways. Click To Tweet4. Learn how to fight fair.
All couples have disagreements and arguments. It’s just part of being in a deep relationship with someone. However, not every “fight” has to feel like a fight. There is a way to bring up difficult topics and emotions without going down the rabbithole of blaming and attacking.
Here are some tips for fighting fair:
- Focus on the present. Don’t bring up grievances that are older than 2 weeks old. Stick with the issue being addressed.
- Keep calm. Your voice tone matters.
- Stay curious and compassionate. Ask questions. Instead of saying, “You did XYZ again!”, try asking, “Why did you do XYZ? I don’t understand and I would like to understand your perspective.”
- Know when to apologize. I’m sure we all wish we could be perfect humans, but I have yet to meet one that exists. It’s important to recognize when it’s time to own up to your part and apologize in sincerity.
5. Don’t fear seeking help.
There’s no shame in going to a couples counselor. It doesn’t mean you failed as a spouse or that you two are not meant to be, just like going to seeing an individual therapist doesn’t mean you suck as a human. Sometimes, we need an extra set of eyes to help us see what we can’t see.
If you’ve been feeling like a couples counselor might help your relationship, in whatever aspect it may be, don’t sit on it. Reach out to someone in your area who you think could be a good fit.
6. Soften your asks.
When we feel like we need something and we’ve asked a thousand times before or we feel like we need it now, it’s easy to slip into demeaning and patronizing voice tones. Your tone of voice tells your spouse your intentions and thoughts more than the words you say.
We may not always listen to what is said, but we will always remember how it made us feel. Aim to soften your tone of voice, even in moments of stress.
7. Learn how and when to repair.
Repair is vital to any relationship. Repairs need to made particularly after arguments or when your spouse expresses something said/did was hurtful to them. Whether or not you agree or disagree with their point is not the issue. Regardless to your perspective, this is an opportunity to turn towards your spouse and reach out to them in love and kindness. Repairs can be using humor to bring down the heat of the moment, sincere apologies, and/or going the extra mile to give special care to your spouse.
This is a season that many couples go through and it does mean that you're doomed as a pair. In fact, it's a fantastic opportunity to grow and nurture your relationship into something even better than it was before. Click To Tweet8. Take regular walks together.
Exercise releases endorphins. Taking 15, 20, or 30 minutes daily to find some time to get outdoors and get moving together can greatly increase your feelings of positivity and connectedness to each other. It’s also a fantastic opportunity to talk and grow as a couple.
9. Keep date nights fun and exciting.
For some, this means putting date nights back on the calendar. Once you’ve been married for a few years, or a few decades, date nights can slip away. Even if you’re having an at-home date night, it’s important to put it on the books and keep it.
If you tend to gravitate towards the same date night, try turning one of the nights every month into something more adventurous. If you two usually go for dinner and a movie, change it up by going to see a theatrical performance or concert instead.
10. Say “thank you” more often.
One of the biggest complaints spouses have about each other is feeling under-appreciated. Consistently feeling under-appreciated can lead to feelings of bitterness, resentment, and anger. The fix for this is quite simple: say “thank you” often and for every little thing.
Tell your partner “thank you”, even if it’s after they’ve completed the household chore they regularly do or helped with a simple task. Hearing “thank you” more often signals to your partner that you see them, you hear them, and you appreciate their presence in your life.
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