When I first started drafting this piece, I tried brainstorming my one big failure in life. However, nothing came to the forefront of my mind. Instead, a slew of little failures popped up.
There’s the time I failed a college course because I was too proud to ask for help. There’s the time I tried and valiantly failed to create a realistic painting of a girl and scrapped the whole thing in anguish. There’s the time I snapped at Josh when he was genuinely trying to help me. There’s the time that I was embarrassingly late for church because I missed my exit…twice. There’s the time I got bucked from my horse so hard that I had to have the sand hosed off me. There’s the time I tried parking in a space next to pole and wound up scraping up my mom’s car.
I have loads of failures under my belt. They all have one thing in common: they seemed like really big deals at the time. Each one of those felt like I’d never make a comeback from them or like I’d never recover. Spoiler: I was and am totally fine.
One of the biggest lies failure will tell you is that it’s the end. You messed up and there is no next step. That is simply untrue so here are 10 things to remember when you feel like a failure.
1. It’s all relative.
In this moment, it feels huge. Of course it does when it feels like this failure is defining. But, it’s not. At most, it might be a pivot point. Take away the magnifying glass and try looking at the whole picture. How much will this really matter in a year?
2. This is your learning opportunity.
Change your perspective. There’s truth to the line “either you win or you learn”. Successful people don’t get there by succeeding all of the time. They get there because they make their failures work for them. They do this by turning their failures into a crash course on what not to do next time. So, take a moment to document this experience and take note on what you’d do differently if you were to do it all again.
3. You’re allowed to make mistakes.
You are human after all. There is no such thing as perfect and trying to chase it is only going to lead to heartache and disappointment. You’re allowed to learn. You’re allowed the space you need to make good decisions, brush yourself off, and move forward. Mistakes are how we learn and there’s nothing wrong or embarrassing about that.
4. It’s okay to be human.
Going off the previous point, you are only human. We tend to forget this because it’s much less scary in the moment to pretend like we have more control than we actually do. There are very little things we have control over. One thing we can always control: our reaction and our response. You can spend your energy beating yourself up for this, but what a waste. It’s okay to not know it all and do it all. Let’s lower our expectations back into a manageable reality.
5. Separate your shit from the pile.
This is something that I had to learn and am still learning. The “Sniff Test” is an incredibly useful exercise I learned in therapy a few years ago. The entire point is to separate what’s your problem/your responsibility/what’s in your control and what’s the problem/responsibility/control of others. Ask yourself: Is this something that I can control? Is this something that I can fix? Is this even having to do with me? If you’re answer is “no”, then you’re free to say “not my color, not my smell, not my shit” and enjoy your freedom. 🙂
My point is our failures do not happen in a box. They’re not isolated events. And, in many cases, our “failures” don’t truly deserve such an esteemed title because they weren’t that grand to begin with. Take responsibility for your part, of course, but also recognize that there are other factors than the part you played. Don’t drag out your failure by trying to take on every little thing that went wrong. Own up to your role, be aware of it, and move forward.
6. Most of the time, all these struggles are a matter of patience.
I wish overnight success was a thing. I really do because I don’t like waiting around and biding my time. Sometimes, the struggle is that you are succeeding, just slowly. You will get that promotion. Your business will take off. Your work will get the recognition. You will become better and more skilled. But the problem is that you have to give it more time than a couple months, or even a couple years.
7. This is just one moment of many.
The likelihood that this is your defining moment is slim to none. Any place worth going is going to be outside your comfort zone, which means, you’re going to be tripping your way there. While, yes, this means that you probably will experience more failures, hiccups, and mistakes. It also means that you will also be experiencing victories and breakthroughs. And, they will mean so much more when you take the time to get there.
8. You’re allowed the time and space you need to figure out your next move.
You will be making a next move. There’s always somewhere to go from here. You don’t need to make your next move at lightning speed. You have the time and space to make a good, well-thought decision as to where you want to go next and where you want to take this.
9. Progress beats out perfect. Every time.
Never starting would be worse than this. At least you gave it a go. And now that you have, you know you have the grit to give it another go. Progress is not a straight line, but more of a spiral upward: going around, rounding back a couple paces before jutting forward. Tripping your way there will get you there faster and better than waiting until you know all the moves to the perfect dance. You’re doing alright.
10. How you respond is more important than what happened.
This rule wins out for every life situation. Any time you come across adversity, don’t define yourself by what happened, but how you continued from there. Keep your head and keep moving. Don’t waste your energy on the “what ifs”, but spend it towards going somewhere, even if it’s not where you originally thought you were going. You always have the choice to make the best of this.